How do I stop feeling bitter, angry, scared, anxious?

I took this picture of my oldest child, Gwen at least 6' off the ground in December 2013. The night before, our girls and their cousins raced dune buggies down the street. Both pictures are proof that there was a time I didn't panic every time she moved an inch! 😔 I am still looking for that silver lining... That reason for why she went through such pain (still does). We jumped right in that frightening ride with her and hung on with all our might. I never even knew that a child with a medical condition meant the whole family suffered (sounds terrible but it's true) too. I do now. Yes, she's better! ...I can thank God for that. But she's still not to this picture level of better. She's not pre-injury better.


What can I do to make this story a good one? How can I stop being bitter? Angry? Scared? Anxious?


I don't know. 😞


I am so grateful she's better. But I also wish she had never been hurt. I wish she played basketball (which she loved and was amazing at) and we went to games and I wish I could still let her climb a rock like this and not feel like I'm having a heart attack because of the real probability she could die if she had another brain injury.


People say to share her / our story. But it's filled with so many negative emotions. I don't think anyone wants to feel that. I don't and I feel it every day. She does even more. 


Next week on the 22nd of October, it will be 5 years since she was hurt. And I'm still not able to relive those moments without breaking out into a terrified cold sweat, or think about the way members of the school reacted while our lives were falling to pieces and our daughter was facing complete blindness.

Eventually we had to move cities because I developed high blood pressure from the nonstop sleepless nights, the constant anxiety and every thing we saw in our own town, reminded us of the terrifying ordeal our baby and our whole family went through.


I still feel those emotions.


I'm torn with mixed feelings being grateful beyond description that she did NOT go completely blind!  But she still lost vision. She's legally blind in one eye and we still haven't found out if she'll be allowed to drive. 😞  And she's still in pain every day. Almost every day. We can't even go out for 4 hours to an event or just on a low key road trip without her being in pain. 😓


So many people wanted vengeance for what Gwen went through, the bullying and ultimate injury. But I never hated the child who hurt her. Truly! And we protected her identity to this day. You might ask how can your heart bleed for both the victim and the perpetrator? It's simple for me. Because they were both precious children. Eleven year olds are still young and they don't think about the consequences of their actions to that degree. She threw a ball. She never would have expected that Gwen would become as seriously hurt as she was. It was just the right angle with just the right amount of strength and Gwen was injured for life. Why did it happen to Gwen??? I don't know. But I want good to come from it. 


So when people say to write our story, I wonder how I can write our experience in a way that motivates or uplifts? I want to make the world better with every action. How can I make this experience something positive that others can benefit from? Because I want our situation to be for a reason. I want to look back and say, "that's why this happened." And we're glad we made this difference.


Until that moment of ephiphany comes to me, thank you... for letting me share. ❤